Boundaries

[Jezabella49]

Pause times.  *sigh*  I was born in the state of New York, but I tend to leave long pauses in the middle of utterances.  This drives my husband to distraction.   Also, certain friends attempt to finish my paragraphs for me, which drives me to distraction.

I live in Pennsylvania, so I don't fit the standards.

Were you by any chance born in western New York?  I'm from Michigan originally, and I do that, and so does my entire family, and bunches of people I knew growing up.  I'm wondering if it's a characteristic of the Great Lakes region, which would include both Michigan and western New York.

Yes.  Buffalo.

Also, while I was growing up people often asked me how I came by my Canadian accent, but it wasn't a Canadian accent.  I sounded like my mother, who grew up in Jersey City.

[jennygadget]

I have serious cultural issues with many Californians, who I often find incredibly nosy and invasive.

So.....I probably shouldn't admit that you've just made me very curious as to what interactions prompted that sentence. 

But seriously though, I do have to admit that we can seem weird at times.  The whole west coast "go with the flow" combined with not being able to get anywhere without a car means that we don't generally smile or say hi when we pass you on the street, but get stuck in line with us at Disneyland or the movie theatre or anywhere else* and we will happily tell you our life story - and ask you to do the same in return.

That's even more true if you are from out of state - especially not a bordering state (and bordering states includes Mexico).  CA is big, anywhere not from here is automatically slightly exotic.

(No, really, we used to get all excited as kids when we spotted a not CA license plate.  "oohhh...I wonder if they are here on vacation...")

*ok, that's not entirely true, but it becomes more true the more the place creates a sense of shared purpose and congeniality.  So, we might chat with you at Starbucks in the evening, but not first thing in the morning when we are grumpy and just want our caffeine.  Although that may be just me.

[eschatonic]

That's even more true if you are from out of state - especially not a bordering state (and bordering states includes Mexico).  CA is big, anywhere not from here is automatically slightly exotic.

(No, really, we used to get all excited as kids when we spotted a not CA license plate.  "oohhh...I wonder if they are here on vacation...")

seriously! especially if you're from somewhere where it snows for months at a time. or has a functional state government. *dog sigh....*

[DavidG]

Why does anyone want to know [snip] exactly what my medications are for my bipolar (barring situations in which these are actually relevant questions, of course)?

I was walking along the street the other day and the guy coming in the opposite direction saw my crutches and demanded "What have you done to yourself?" I didn't know him from Adam, yet, like many people, he seemed to think he was automatically entitled to my complete medical history. Of course by the time he'd figured out that I wasn't going to reply we were past each other and he ended up shouting at my back "Broken a leg?", which I ignored just the same as I had his first comment. It's a regular occurrence if you have a visible disability; we've just been discussing it on a disability board I frequent and I suggested that it's because people tend not to regard disabled people as being really adult. They look on us as children and people like to gossip about other people's kids and expect them to answer questions if asked. It's a hypothesis that occurred to me on the spot, but the more I think about it the more I think it's disturbingly plausible.

[ArtemisHi]

I admit, I grew up California, and living in Seattle has been an adjustment. I'm not nosy with total strangers, but by comparison I share way too much information about myself with others. The Seattle attitude seems cold and distant, though I know that's just in comparison with my previous state's attitude.

For the record, regional differences aside, I think it's rude to be that aggressive with any total stranger, no matter where you are. Smiling or saying hello to a stranger- fine. Asking their medical history, personal history, job history, current view on politics, etc- way too invasive.

Maybe some of this nosiness can be attributed to the internet, and its inherent support of oversharing (via social networking sites, web-based communication, etc)?

[DavidG]

Trust me, the London-Yorkshire divide may only be a few hundred miles, but the cultural abyss is significant.

Ha, the Durham-Yorkshire divide may be only a few metres, but the cultural abyss is significant

[Triffid Breeder]

Oh, yes indeed  .

[Korvar]

Why does anyone want to know [snip] exactly what my medications are for my bipolar (barring situations in which these are actually relevant questions, of course)?

I was walking along the street the other day and the guy coming in the opposite direction saw my crutches and demanded "What have you done to yourself?" I didn't know him from Adam, yet, like many people, he seemed to think he was automatically entitled to my complete medical history. Of course by the time he'd figured out that I wasn't going to reply we were past each other and he ended up shouting at my back "Broken a leg?", which I ignored just the same as I had his first comment. It's a regular occurrence if you have a visible disability; we've just been discussing it on a disability board I frequent and I suggested that it's because people tend not to regard disabled people as being really adult. They look on us as children and people like to gossip about other people's kids and expect them to answer questions if asked. It's a hypothesis that occurred to me on the spot, but the more I think about it the more I think it's disturbingly plausible.

I get that sometimes just from having a different hat from most people around here.  I think it's more: you are other, and you are in their world and thus must be explained.  And because it's their world (as they see it) and not yours (because why else are you different?), it's entirely reasonable to demand the details.

[Elizabeth Bear]

Yes. It's egocentrism coupled with startlement, I think.

[DavidG]

you are other, and you are in their world and thus must be explained.  And because it's their world (as they see it) and not yours (because why else are you different?), it's entirely reasonable to demand the details.

That's all too plausible.

[Triffid Breeder]

you are other, and you are in their world and thus must be explained.  And because it's their world (as they see it) and not yours (because why else are you different?), it's entirely reasonable to demand the details.

The gamma version of this, I believe, is: you are other and you are in their world and thus must be evicted. With extreme prejudice.

And because it is their world and not yours, this is an entirely reasonable response. Why do all those law-enforcement-types not understand this?

[will shetterly]

you are other, and you are in their world and thus must be explained.  And because it's their world (as they see it) and not yours (because why else are you different?), it's entirely reasonable to demand the details.

The gamma version of this, I believe, is: you are other and you are in their world and thus must be evicted. With extreme prejudice.

And because it is their world and not yours, this is an entirely reasonable response. Why do all those law-enforcement-types not understand this?

Because everyone's running with this, I'll speak for the other side. It may be simple curiosity. It may be a failure to understand that questions which wouldn't bother them might bother someone else. It may be a desire to say that they are not ignoring a part of you, that they're acknowledging something rather than pretending it doesn't exist, which can be more accepting than polite denial in some societies. Cultural norms really are different, even within cultures. Maybe especially within cultures. (Insert one of my rants about class differences here.)

As for the Yankee thing, when I was in my teens, I was called "white boy" by a young black woman who, ah, made it very, very clear this was not an insult. There's a classic cowboy movie line: "Smile when you say that, pardner." Context is everything.

[stardreamer]

I was walking along the street the other day and the guy coming in the opposite direction saw my crutches and demanded "What have you done to yourself?" I didn't know him from Adam, yet, like many people, he seemed to think he was automatically entitled to my complete medical history. Of course by the time he'd figured out that I wasn't going to reply we were past each other and he ended up shouting at my back "Broken a leg?", which I ignored just the same as I had his first comment. It's a regular occurrence if you have a visible disability; we've just been discussing it on a disability board I frequent and I suggested that it's because people tend not to regard disabled people as being really adult. They look on us as children and people like to gossip about other people's kids and expect them to answer questions if asked. It's a hypothesis that occurred to me on the spot, but the more I think about it the more I think it's disturbingly plausible.

Now, that's interesting. I wouldn't do that to a random stranger on the street, but I've done it from both sides of a cash register, when you're already interacting with the other person. The expected exchange is: query - short response - expression of sympathy - drop subject. Would you perceive being asked such a question differently under those circumstances?

[ebony14]

you are other, and you are in their world and thus must be explained.  And because it's their world (as they see it) and not yours (because why else are you different?), it's entirely reasonable to demand the details.

The gamma version of this, I believe, is: you are other and you are in their world and thus must be evicted. With extreme prejudice.

Or assimilated. Which is arguably a worse fate.

[txanne]

Assimilated, with extreme prejudice--it's the American way!

(I'm cynical today, sorry.)