Reactions to the Small Dark Movie of Your Life

[Emma Bull]

I've been looking at climbing shoes for sale on line all week. As if I can carry her forward by making myself as much like her as possible. In spite of the fact that I climb, like, once a year.

[jennygadget]

I've been looking at climbing shoes for sale on line all week. As if I can carry her forward by making myself as much like her as possible. In spite of the fact that I climb, like, once a year.

You do know that she and Chaz were supposed to come out to JT, by way of LA and then Redlands, my hometown, yes?  Because Redlands is where Five Ten's headquarters are located, and they sell shoes there at discount on Friday afternoons.

(Once I stop being mad at you all, you all are welcome to come and visit and do the same.)

[Emma Bull]

...Yeah. Ouchouchouch.

I was looking forward to that Devil's Tower trip, myself. The first place I ever saw people bouldering was in Custer State Park. 

(Also, I happen to know that Bear looks wistfully at the 5.10 Moccasyms, but says they don't fit as well as her La Sportivas. Which doesn't mean they wouldn't fit me. And they're red. So I will try to earn your forgiveness.)

[tylik]

I've been feeling a little out of it because after the first "How could you?!" I mostly haven't been feeling that strongly one way or another, and I honestly can't tell how much is that I'm just to hazy and worn out with other parts of my life for it to have hit yet, and how much is because that's not the way I'm interacting with things. Though just when I'm feeling like oh, okay, this isn't really bothering me, I'll be looking for something on livejournal and see her page and it will occur to me that I won't be seeing any more updates, there.

Though I've been refreshing the boards just ridiculous amounts this week.

You do know that she and Chaz were supposed to come out to JT, by way of LA and then Redlands, my hometown, yes?  Because Redlands is where Five Ten's headquarters are located, and they sell shoes there at discount on Friday afternoons.

(Once I stop being mad at you all, you all are welcome to come and visit and do the same.)

I am totally trying to convince myself that this would be a totally easy add on to the summer trip I'm not even sure I'll be making, wherein I fly out to SF before heading up the coast to Seattle for summer training.

(Bike shoes. I could really use some new bike shoes. Should actually a few more times first...)

[CJ]

The next time a state legalizes gay marriage, I'm going to lose it for a bit. Because of Daphne and T and the notion of getting married in every state that legalizes it and Chaz talking about the appropriate cakes and all.

[MadGastronomer]

Get ready, then, New York is due any day now.

[jennygadget]

The next time a state legalizes gay marriage, I'm going to lose it for a bit. Because of Daphne and T and the notion of getting married in every state that legalizes it and Chaz talking about the appropriate cakes and all.

I might have to try making each of those cakes - after the appropriate dates.  Just because.  If I can manage in between the sobbing. :p

[jennygadget]

I am totally trying to convince myself that this would be a totally easy add on to the summer trip I'm not even sure I'll be making, wherein I fly out to SF before heading up the coast to Seattle for summer training.

(Bike shoes. I could really use some new bike shoes. Should actually a few more times first...)

Even if you do not, let me know when you are in SF and maybe I can drive up.

[DavidG]

And again, dwg, it feels like you are telling me that I am choosing to react the way that I am, and if I'd just sit down and stop being so emotional about it all....

Oh, God, anything but! I'm just trying to say that there are two different kinds of reaction, but just because someone is speaking in a different brain to me isn't meant to be any kind of judgement. My point is that I think people are, or are going to, react in both brains, but most of us are stuck reacting in one or the other at the moment and it will be a while before everyone can skip back and forth between them as if it doesn't matter.

We compartmentalize those realities so that we can believe in two things that are mutually contradictory.

Some of us clearly can't, because I can assure you that if I could stop making myself feel this way, I would.

And that same compartmentalization is happening over Daphne's death, some people are concentrating on their reaction to the death of their friend....

I am not concentrating on my reaction to the death of my friend, I am very much trying to do the exact opposite and failing miserably.

Nothing I said was meant to undermine or devalue the reactions of those grieving for their friend, because I'm grieving too and I'm having to throttle my reactions because of visiting family, and if you can't get away from the grief then that's a measure of the intensity of your reaction  and the last thing I want to do is imply you're in anyway wrong.

What I was trying to do was say both reactions are equally valid, and that people may be stuck in one or the other because of the intensity of their reactions, no judgement meant, and apologies if you took me to be judging you.

[DavidG]

"I'm pretty sure there's no Right Way to do grief; there's just however each one of us does it,"

What Lioness said!

[tylik]

Even if you do not, let me know when you are in SF and maybe I can drive up.

It's still very much of an if, but yes, I will.

(Scheduling is strange. This is more of a trip than I should probably try for if I'm also trying to fit in a week long sesshin... but I really want to do it, and my brother and brother-by-choice are both in SF. I would like to spend a lot of time catching up with my brother-by-choice and his wife and will probably stay with them... and a nice dinner with my brother, whom I love dearly but that's probably all I can take at one time. And I've been holding off on any firm plans because of the possibility of spine surgery.)

[jennygadget]

tylik,

I have family there too and have been meaning to make that trip sometime anyway, so I can certainly keep myself entertained otherwise and I would consider it very worth the effort of timing my trip to coincide with yours (if it happens) even if all we got to do was have lunch or something. 

dwg,

thank you, and sorry if I flew off the handle a bit.  Part of the reason I held back on posting some of this in those first few days was because I knew there was a good chance I would do that.  *facepalm*

[tylik]

jennygadget -

And I'm not in any way meaning to discourage you! It's a trip I've been wanting to take, even if some of the wanting is a little complicated. And if I don't make it this year, I will eventually.

[DavidG]

dwg,

thank you, and sorry if I flew off the handle a bit. 

De nada. I was more worried I might have upset you than about what you said in my direction.

[Jezabella49]

I have been curled in upon myself trying to make sense of something that never makes sense - the loss of someone I care about.  *sigh*  It isn't something that I can articulate particularly well, if at all, but this is a first draft, and I have to put it somewhere.